Fear is, Well, a Bitch

Fear is one of those things that just sucks. It stops you in your track and prevents you from moving forward. Sometimes, fear can be a good thing because maybe it stops you from going down that dark alley or going home with that guy.

But most of the time fear sucks.

Here is the fear I'm grappling with: the fear of being tethered somewhere because what I have is "too" good. Can two full-time jobs, a car, a home, and a family all be something that is fearful? I think so.

A friend said over the weekend that it's never good to want to be "happier than happy," but I disagree. Why is happy where we stop? Why can't we be happier than happy? You know why--fear. Fear that happier than happy might not actually be better, so instead, we settle on happy because that's safe.

But is HAPPY enough? Is it okay to be fearful of happy if your intuition tells you "this can't be it"?

Fear can be a motivator as long as you don't get stuck in it. If fearful of the unknown leaves you never seeking anything than the known, then you're stuck.

But fear is good. Fear is a healthy, normal emotion that we all experience. For me, I am currently fearful. I don't know what is out there for me, but I do know that right now, right here is not enough.

So I'm going to face my fear and be vulnerable with it. I'm going to let it creep in, but then I'm going to take it by the balls and shove back. Because I know when fear is around, I can be the boss of it. I get to tell fear when enough is enough, and I get to thank it when it makes me realize that I'm on the right path when I feel it.

Happiness

I've been thinking a lot (okay, slightly obsessed) about happiness. I've had this nagging feeling that there has to be more. Yes, I'm happy: I have a pretty awesome husband, great kid, great job, house, etc. The list goes on. BUT THERE COULD BE MORE.

Is this wrong to think? Desire? I don't think so. I hope not, at least.

I watched Hector and the Search for Happiness last night, and I saw yet another example of the quest for happiness. His list in the movie is the following:

1. Making comparisons can spoil your happiness
2. Happiness often comes when least expected
3. Many people only see happiness in their future
4. Many people think happiness comes from having more power or more money
5. Sometimes happiness is not knowing the whole story
6. Happiness is a long walk in beautiful, unfamiliar mountains
7. It’s a mistake to think that happiness is the goal
8. Happiness is being with the people you love; unhappiness is being separated from the people you love
9. Happiness is knowing that your family lacks for nothing
10. Happiness is doing a job you love
11. Happiness is having a home and a garden of your own
12. It’s harder to be happy in a country run by bad people
13. Happiness is feeling useful to others
14. Happiness is to be loved for exactly who you are (People are kinder to a child who smiles)
15. Happiness comes when you feel truly alive
16. Happiness is knowing how to celebrate
17. Happiness is caring about the happiness of those you love
18. Happiness is not attaching too much importance to what other people think
19. The sun and the sea make everybody happy
20. Happiness is a certain way of seeing things
21. Rivalry poisons happiness
22. Women care more than men about making others happy
23. Happiness means making sure that those around you are happy

The biggest idea, however, that I took away from this movie (and also relates to the kid's movie Inside Out) is that happiness occurs when all the emotions are in play. When we are feared into action, recognize sadness that is and/or could be, and see the happiness right in front of us. It's the true, authentic living of life that brings about happiness. And that means feeling ALL the emotions that come with it. 

It's the feeling, I think, that's so hard for people. We all have become really good at numbing our feelings and experiences. We take excessive amount of pain pills, change our hormones so we don't have cramps or acne, pull out our phone and technology to "witness" the good, the bad, and the ugly. But do we ever just SIT with what is going on? Not share it, numb it, or anything else? Is this the secret to happiness? Being alive and experiencing everything there is to experience while being alive? I think it might be.

I'm reading a book entitled 10% Happier, by Dan Harris (I told you I'm obsessed with happiness), and so far it's an interesting read. He hasn't talked much about HOW to achieve happiness, but there are snippets here and there. 


One part I loved (and he was referencing someone else) was that he said our demons might have been kicked out of the house, but they are in the parking lot doing push ups. Brilliant. Why? Because it's so true. Our demons are never truly gone. They are always there, waiting to come back into the house if we let them. And I believe we let them by numbing ourselves or by taking the easy way. They are always going to be there unless we keep experiencing life and facing all the emotions we have (and valuing each and every one of them as an important and integral component to happiness). 

So there you go. Happiness and my pursuit of it, which, in a sense, is a fault in itself. I suppose I need to stop pursuing and just start living. Living my true, authentic life and embracing everything that comes with it.

Much love to you. 

A New Project (and Epic Adventure, I suppose)

So hello, again. I'm sure you all know that we're back at home (been so a year now) and for the time being, another Griffin epic adventure is not happening anytime soon.

But I have another new project and epic adventure I want to chronicle. It's the semester of me. Yup. Me.

Let me explain: I read Daniel Pink's Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us last year, and he discusses a brilliant idea. This idea is that autonomy is a crucial component of motivation and happiness, and some of the best businesses (e.g., Google) are employing this concept. Essentially, the concept in a nutshell is that if you give employees autonomy, they will not only thrive but will be happy. Imagine that.

So how does this have to do with me? Well, I'm teaching a class (as I always do) and this class allows me flexibility in what I have students do. So I decided to integrate this idea of "autonomy" into the assignments students need to complete, and this morphed into the "Independent Project." This project allows them to work on anything they want. Yes, anything. But it has to be new and it has to be something the student has wanted to do but never really found the time for.

As an example, I decided to take adult hip-hop classes throughout the semester, and I'm going to chronicle my experiences here and with pictures/videos. But then I got thinking. I want to do more; I want to focus more on me because when I do, I'm happier (and a better person).

So as a result, I've decided to do a semester-long independent project of me. I'm going to run, dance, journal, meditate, be mindful, and write as a way to redirect my life. Don't get me wrong: life is good, but it could be better, and I have all the tools to make it better. I just need to make it a priority.

I'm not going to spread my blog entries to other forms of social media, so if you happen to stumble upon this, good for you. I just figure that the mere possibility of someone stumbling upon my old blog is slim, but it's a possibility that will motivate me to write. And write I will. I will use this space as a way to be creative and to express myself in a different way.

So thanks for reading, and welcome to the project of me.

To Cambodia and Back

Hello, friends. I realized I said I would update my blog during my time in the U.S., but as you already know, I haven't. What I want to do know, though, is post a final blog as a way to help me deal with the reality of going home.

Recently, I have felt the inability to say goodbye to all of this. I don't know how to process the end of our epic adventure.

Starting out, Conan and I had no idea how this year would be: it started with us heading to China, only for that to fall through. Then a hasty decision was made to head to Cambodia since our house was rented for a year and our jobs filled.

Now looking back, what we experienced in Cambodia will take a lifetime to absorb. The experiences we had and the people we met and became friends with have forever changed our lives.

Cambodia is now part of our fabric. We have breathed its air, eaten its food, loved its people, spoken its language, understood (as much as one can as an outsider) its culture, and loved it for what it is: a country often forgotten because of it being wedged between Thailand and Vietnam.

And as we talk about our experiences in Cambodia here in the States, most say "I know about Cambodia because of the Vietnam War." But that's it. They don't know the food or the people or the joy. They don't know that when we would sit in traffic on our bicycles or motos, Cambodians would stare, penetrating us with with their stoic gaze. And they don't know that when we smiled at them, they would always (every single one) would return our smile with an even larger smile.

And people don't know how the kindness Cambodians showed to Sila touched us on a human level. How their love of him made us realize how much people love people, especially little ones.

And people can't imagine how much our friends Charlie, Minj, Mirka, Danika, Jason, Ellie, Hannah, Victoria, and Soriya (and so many more!) meant to us. And how much we miss them all and hope to see all of them again. And how when I hear Pupa Jim's "Amplifier," I cry because it makes me think of Charlie and his love of reggae and his never ending desire to go to the reggae bar.

All of these memories--and so many more--will stay with me forever.  But I don't know how to digest them yet. I don't want to go home, but I know I have to.

This year has shown me a glimpse of what it means to live in a radically different way, to push aside the cars, phones, money, and jobs, and to live without all of that. It has shown me more than any job or degree or possession how incredibly amazing life can be.

So for that, thank you Cambodia. Thank you Cambodians. Thank you friends who I've met along the way. My love goes to you, and I look forward to a life remembering the wonderful time I've had.

Tulip Festival and Easter Preparation: Photo Log

Goodbye, Cambodia (and Rabbit Island): Photo Log

Santa Rosa, Avenue of the Giants, Portland, Seattle (land of the tulips!), and Moses

Hello, friends and family! Yes, it's been awhile, but yes, it's been an amazing and busy few weeks back.

Our time in LA ended (with no car from the auction; have Conan tell you that story sometime), so we headed to Santa Rosa to see Uncle Sean, Aunt Jen, and cousin Brayden (to Sila). This was a great time, and it's good to see cousins grow up together.

We then headed to the Redwoods. It was my first time in the Redwoods, and while I enjoyed it immensely (who doesn't enjoy tall and beautiful trees and raw, pure smells?), I have to say my heart is with the Sequoias. But in all fairness, I need to give the Redwoods another visit.

Our next destination was Portland, OR, and it turned out to be quite a gathering; Big Sila (for whom Sila is named) and Shannon--and their daughter Morgan, Bear and his wife (old friends from Santa Barbara), and Slick--an old friend who we haven't seen in years, and Kellie and her son TJ (again, an old friend from way back). This time reminded me about how much human connection is central to happiness and general feel-goodness. Amazing people make my life more amazing.

Unfortunately, we didn't stay in Portland as long as we liked, for we had to head to Seattle to see more friends (yea!!) and house/pet sit while they went on vacation. We only got to catch up the day before they left, but we'll have more time on the back end to have more of those amazing experiences I speak about the paragraph prior.

Anyway, our main goals here were/are to buy a car (renting is so expensive!), organize all our stuff from the past eight months, make a plan for the next few months, and have some good old-fashioned vacation fun. So far we've done the first and the last, which is great. Today was the zoo, and with the help of a stroller and lots of snacks, we were led to believe that our son maybe wasn't abducted by the crazy land of three-year-olds-who-make-you-want-to-scream-every-second. Today was also finding the car that would become the next Griffin road mobile.

Before I get to that, I do want to mention that Seattle has the most amount of tulips I've ever seen. They are my favorite flower, and they are everywhere. While I would love to have pictures to show you, I only found my camera today and the batteries are dead. So there is always tomorrow.

So Moses. That's the name of our new car. Why Moses? Well when we were at the car auction, there was a box of misc. junk, and a wooden carving of Moses sticking out of the box. Since we were at the auction to buy a car, we saw this carving of Moses to represent finding the car that would deliver us to the promise land (Florida). We didn't buy a car (or the statue) at the auction, but we did gain a theme. The theme was Moses, and we have found her (yes, her). She is a blue VW Passat Wagon, and she is Moses. She is beautiful.

Where to next? I don't know, but talk about Yellowstone is being thrown around. So to everyone out there, I hope life is good, and your face is becoming wrinkled from happiness.